And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
