I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
