so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
