Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
If I die, sorry about rent.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
