i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
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