just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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