I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
