Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Randomize
