my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
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