I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
