I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
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