Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
