Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
