matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
