I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
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