I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
