I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
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