I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
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