If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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