my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
