My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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