before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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