is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
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