my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
