living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Randomize
