i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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