Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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