she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
