This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
