so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
