He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
