Define "chronic" masturbator.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
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