I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
