The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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