Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
