It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
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now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
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i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."