How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
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I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
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I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell