forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.