Where did you get a picture of my penis
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
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