I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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