i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
