At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
