dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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