dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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