If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
