i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
