Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
