I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Randomize
