I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Less talking, more tequila
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
