Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
