Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Sorry about my life...
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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