im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
