he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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