Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
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