not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
