Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I think my moral compass just broke
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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