so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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