Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
