I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
