we were pretty classy up until the second keg
That reminds me...we need to get swords
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
