It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Randomize
