If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
