booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
