I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize